Alice Wood
Alice, complete with cloak, power sword and goggles.
Name Alice Wood
Gender Female
Age 24
Introduced In "Insert Difficult and Complex Written Test Here"

Alice Wood is an agent of the Anti-Cliché and Mary-Sue Elimination Society.


"Alice like etymology!" - Alice upon learning the etymology of the word 'glomp'.

Alice was introduced to the idea of the Society by Tash, whom she met when the aforementioned finally plucked up the courage to attend WARGS one Saturday in the basement of the pub. Even so it took some time for Alice to apply - whether out of work pressures, fear or sheer bone-idle laziness is up for debate. She is a graduate in English and Creative Writing; while any Grammar Nazi thoughts are kept to herself, she likes identifing eytmologies, and playing around with visual writing systems she probably doesn't understand but for the fact they look pretty. She is a year-and-a-quarter older than Tash. She has a tendency to hug a lot of these people, especially if they are welcoming and/or Alice is in the huggy mood. Unfortunately she is quite strong in the arm and many emerge from her glomps with bruised ribs. She is keeping a list of the number of real-life celebrities she has managed to glomp, the number now being nine.

Alice has shown a tendency to meticulously research the fandom she is entering beforehand, producing several inches of results. This has led to her being granted the affectionate title of The Library's Pet Search Engine.

Her name is often shortened to Allie.


Alice is 5'4", and while she would like to say she is 'just a wee bit round in the waist', her mother would like to remind her that it's a bit more than that. Her birthday is the 24th of January 1987, currently making her the second oldest Society member behind Louise. She has blue-green eyes and wears glasses habitually. She has light brown hair that reaches her shoulderblades, which has become wavy in texture since she was fourteen. She invariably wears this loose with a hairband, known colloquially as her 'fuzz layer'; whether the removal of her hairband really does expose her mind to influence is yet to be proven.

Ever since her first real mission, when she used the Automatic Tailorisation Machine to make her a 40k disguise, Alice has worn the gold-edged light blue cloak she ended up with pretty much all the time. Add this to her goggles and her power sword she received later, these are the three things she likes to take with her; however she is willing to leave one or other of them in the Library if it means better integrating with the fandom.

Her favourite colour is blue and she generally wears it, whether in normal dress or cultural/historical/fantasy: unless she decides to dress to match the fandom she mostly goes round in jeans and a long-sleeved top (short in summer) either plain or patterened. Her room is again with a blue décor, though it is often a mess.


"Alice can be a judgemental little moo at times...oh and the best thing you can do? Ask her for a glomp, that'll endear you to her nicely." - Tash, to Robert.

Alice generally is active, bubbly and enthusiastic. She is very close to her friends and forgives them easily. Sometimes she can be pessimistic and it can be hard to cheer her up.

Alice, if she had a chance, would hug everyone; friend, foe or neutral. She can (sometimes) be quite perceptive on whether she leaps upon someone, or faces them and asks nicely. There are a few who will be glomped without invitation, Louise, Tash and Adrian included; the latter quite bemused with having his ribs creak on a daily basis.

The reason she likes a good hug, however, partially stems from a fear of abandonment. Hugging is comforting to her, as is her being silly to make people laugh, and it explains her love of research and trivia as she wants to make sure she remains of use. It also explains her closeness to her friends, sometimes bordering on the clingy when she feels insecure. It has been said that her psyche consists of a hard outer shell like a veneer, protecting the insecure and clingy Alice within.

Interestingly, a lot rides on her first impression of a person, perhaps related to her need to be useful above. If a first impression is bad, it can be hard to change it; her friends know enough of this quirk to help those who need a better impression to make one.

Glomped Individuals[]

  • Inquisitor Ario Barzano, Warhammer 40k
  • A Crimson Fist Librarian, Warhammer 40k


Alice was conceived in a little plastic dish sometime in late March 1986. She had an average upbringing and average schooling. She has no brothers or sisters, was somewhat lonely at school and the largest pet she ever kept was a green budgie named Bobbie. However when she went to the University of Winchester and became a WARG her whole life became much happier.

Upon joining the Society some years later she discovered that the results of earlier creative attempts had transmorgified into a Sue; however as Alice had long since separated the Sue's character into its constituent parts and used all the good ideas and concepts elsewhere, Misty is a ghost and haunts her when she sees fit. Lately she has been somewhat quiet, however.

Her first mission was to the Warhammer 40k fandom, running into problems with Space Marines and acquiring her shiny new sword, as well as apprehending the source of the problems, McLaren Ferrari. She, along with three other agents, were witness to @'s attempted invasion of the Library's computer and her subsequent dispersal. @ has been very interested in her ever since and has appeared to her in her electrical items more so than most.

Alice and her housemate Louise have become a near inseperable team on Society missions, but this has brought her into the firing line of Merle Ravensclaw, a figure from Lousie's past turned Sue who is determined to get to her via any means necessary - and this includes, as Alice found on their mission to the Legacy of Kain fandom, torturing Louise's friends. She survived her near-hanging, but she has now attracted the attention of Merle and her son Richard.

Alice proved her research skills invaluable on the Society trip to Rome, coming up once again against Merle and her entourage, Richard and now his twin brother Robert. While there was a fight between the Society and Merle, she and Richard managed to escape. However, the ten succeeded in Prohibiting and detaining the younger brother. Alice also - rather unexpectedly - had an interesting encounter with Mark Antony.

Alice is knowledgeable about a few obscure literature fandoms, as evidenced when she and Louise ventured into the Shadowleague fandom to track down Peony, even though Louise had to leave early. However this mission ended in disaster when Alice was attacked by the Ak'Zahar, the fandom's bestial contribution to vampires. She ended up in intensive care in the hospital wing, the Ak'Zahar's venom meaning that the terrible wounds became worse and worse, and Valerie could not heal her; but thankfully she managed to pull through thanks to Phoenixia's tireless work. She slowly recovered, though now her right arm has scars all the way from her shoulder to her hand.

Just after Adrian returned there occurred another urgent rescue mission to pull Louise from Merle's grip in Warhammer Fantasy. Alice proved she was of use to the senior agents in the said mission even though her injury to her arm meant she was not yet up to full strength, and she still tired enough to be sent back to the Library two-thirds of the way up the White Tower. The rest of the rescue team saved her housemate, and Alice repaid the favour of Louise's constant vigil over her by sitting at her bedside until she recovered.

Just over a month after this, however, Alice was taken hostage by her best friend in the basement. Louise ordered Robert to tie her up separately from the other four hostages, and she used her as a punching bag to stop the others from misbehaving. This culminated in Louise even holding a loaded gun to Alice's head. Thankfully the situation was resolved and the hostages rescued; but Alice, admitted to hospital because of her injuries, wanted to know what happened to her housemate. This ended up with her strapped to a hospital bed after she turned violent and unco-operative; behaviour very unlike her, which raised concerns. Eventually it was discovered that Louise's actions was caused not by her own volition but by a sleeper agent spell implanted by Merle, and with Alice's support from afar the spell was removed, and the two friends were reunited.

Alice took part in Robert's parole hearing as a witness; important as she was the one in the room who had had most contact with Robert's previous associates and was able to confirm the risk to his life if he was simply sent back home. She was also made his parole supervisor, a position she was not happy with initially, but after he had a frank talk with her, wishing for a second chance at a good impression, she accepted him. This friendship developed with the two working closely together, and when Harriet extended an invitation to Robert to join the Society to better assist the basement reforms, Alice offered to help him revise for the exam.

Alice volunteered herself (and Robert) for the mission to Sea Monsters, even though she was not to go diving on account of her epilepsy - not that she minded. Annoyed at Harriet's dismissal of her research, she renamed the yacht Blarghensaft which is one of her 'funny words'. She somehow managed to sleep through the Liopleurodon attack. She gave chase when Ocean Fields attempted escape, though she ended up in the dangerous Cretaceous sea without eye protection and had to be rescued. During the mission, she shared several moments with her charge, talking to Robert on the high deck at sunrise.


Alice would like to hope that everyone in the Library likes her, or at the very least tolerates her presence. Per the nuances in her personality, she tries hard to keep this going, being a good listener.

Alice does have a number of individuals she considers herself very close to, the most prominent of which is, of course, Louise. The pair live together in Real Life (it’s cheaper) and Alice trusts her with practically everything, from supervising her baths to enduring her parents. The pair now make a team to go on missions.

Along with Louise, Alice is a veteran member of the gaming group WARGS, so she is close to Gareth, Red and Dave. Through the WARGS is also how she met Tash and ultimately gave her services to the Society.

Alice considers Tash a close friend too, offering her a sofa to kip on during visits without hesitation, but since Alice is older than Tash she does not always give her a leader’s respect. This applies to all the leaders too, friendly with Harriet and Michael but not always deferential; however she hasn’t truly gone into the realm of insubordination just yet. When it comes to the Librarian, Alice is determined to make sure he knows she does not ‘worship the ground he walks on’ and thusly treats him as an equal in peacetime, and every time she sees him in the corridors she will glomp him ferociously.

Alice was made Robert’s parole supervisor, and at first this was strained as he had been complacent at the time she was captured during the Basement Incident. However with the help of Alice’s friends he succeeded in making a better impression, and the two have become quite familiar. She feels guilty about the conditions of the basement post Robert's hearing, even though she was one of those who fed the Sues without fail, and she supported him in his attempt to take the entry exam, celebrating when he passed and finally became an Agent.

Alice regards Phoenixia with great admiration, but more for her medical skills and her counselling experience than anything else. Phoenixia has never considered her usual sexual attention for her, as she knows Alice would not reciprocate (or rather, would bury her face down her top and scurry away), and so she is one of those whom Alice goes to for advice. Alice in turn feels in Phoenixia’s debt for saving her life after the Ak’Zahar attack.

Powers and Items[]

"Powers? What powers? Unless you count Commence Flying Glomp Tackle Down The Stairs as a power, that is." - Alice on her lack of interesting magic ability.

Power Sword[]

Main article: Alice's Power Sword

Alice is moderately adept at handling a shortsword, taught on-and-off by her uncle during visits. She declined formal fencing after a few lessons: the Zero Punctuation quote "Who wants to be a fencer anyway, bunch of hoity-toity tw*ts with sieves on their faces!!" sums up her feelings nicely.

However in the 40k fandom she was given a small power blade by the Inquisitor Ario Barzano, and since then has tried to increase her skills with the weapon. The power is switched on using the decorative white buttons hidden in the hilt. She has not given the twenty-two-inch sword a name, and most likely won't as she will be changing her mind every few days. The sword is adequate when it is not powered, and rather decorative with scrolled engraving without being too ostentatious.


Main article: Alice's Goggles

The goggles which were found as part of Alice's dress in 40k have been saved and seem to be of great use, Alice now wearing them almost constantly. They are silver-rimmed, rather Steampunk-esque, decorative but not ostentatious, and have small levers and dials on the edges to change the visual filter. They are innocuous enough to be worn on the head like a headband or circlet. Their capacity hasn't truly been explored yet, but many different and useful filters have been duscovered, including heat sensors, a HUD, night-vision, X-ray and inter-portal view.

The Trident[]

Main article: The Trident

Just before the camping trip, Alice showed off her new acquisition to her friends: The Trident, a tiny microcar. It has a few unusual mods, but none of them are yet active.

The Litwicks[]

Around the time of Robert's parole hearing, Alice discovered that a few Litwicks had made her room their home, and had started breeding. She began sharing them around once they got too numerous (actually there were five of them) for her to be comfortable with looking after them, giving the first one to Robert. She doesn't know, or is really bothered about where they came from, but she likes them anyway.


  • Alice's deck strategy...well, she has always found that any halfway-decent lighter would reduce an inch's worth of small laminated cards to cinders in but a few minutes. However she can play, mostly Magic for which she has 'The Steamroller' Esper deck.
  • Alice has photosensitive grand-mal epilepsy, for which she is taking medication. It doesn't bother her, and in fact she enjoys talking about it, but any place with slow-ish flashing lights and threats to her regular sleep routine will probably be greeted with copious swearing.
    • This also means she cannot take a bath alone, but she has enough trust in Louise for her to keep watch when needed. It just means that Alice needs to arrange her baths instead of take one spontaneously. Her room's ensuite has an excellent multi-pump walk-in shower instead of a tub.
  • Alice is rather fussy when it comes to food, though she identifies it as preferring more simple flavours and not a 'mess'. Her favourite food is steak, which she eats with too much salt.
  • Alice has the dubious record of the Shortest Ruination of a Mission Ever: fifteen seconds. This occured during her rookie exam, taken with the Stu self-insert Astron Ganera; she unknowingly thwarted Harriet by glomping her just as she was about to apprehend him.
  • Alice loves researching the most obscure of things. As a result she is likely to start waffling about odd crap if something reminds her of it. She's not an insufferable know-it-all, but although the variations of Lovebird family and the history of the sofa are pretty useless, occasionally she may spout something valuable.
  • Alice does not have a theme tune for the same reason that she won't name her sword; because she'll be wanting to change it every three days. However her best liked music is Enya and Karl Jenkins, of which the songs White Is In The Winter Night and Jailau respectively are her favourites. Whether either of these, one being the colours of Christmas and the other being a thirteen-minute-long Kazakhstani dance piece, can be construed as her 'theme' is up for interpretation.
Agents of the ACMSES
Leaders HarrietMichaelTash
Department Heads AdrianCharisDaveValerie Shockley
Current Agents AimeeAkai MinamiAlice WoodAster SeleneAvakBenChloeClaire UpwardCristoph AsahinaCrystellia 'Chrys'DanielleDrake DragonsoulGarethInaraIngrid NunnJames 'Jamie' CoulthardJaredJessJoeJohnKarissaKyle GriswoldLily AdamsonLouiseMarcus PateMiriku WassonMizuhoMonikaOssaPeteRedRhiannon 'Rhia'RobertStacey/EzraStephenTheresa 'Terrie' BridgesTomTyler KahnWillie
Retired Agents BethBlakeCamilleDouglas KreigDoyleEmmaKateLaurenRiaSumire
Non-Agents Emily SmithPhoenixia